That question occured to me this morning while riding the subway to work during
rush hour. I was reading the National Post and on the front page of the
entertainment section I saw the headline: "Is He The Next Ben Stiller?"
Before I could mumble, "Who FUCKING cares!?!?!?!?" Some middle-weight,
middle-aged, middle-class mid-town Torontonian muddler said something like:
"Oh, my! Ben Stiller! Isn't that an amusing co-incidence!"
And before I
could say, "Amusing? Who!?!? Ben FUCKING Stiller!?!", the guy muddled on.
"My wife and I and group of neighbors of ours from The Annex just came back from
a week of whale watching in the Gulf of St. Lawrence, and -- my,
God -- the beauty of those creatures became so overwhelming we all agreed that
whales are the Ben Stillers of marine life on this wonderful planet."
Holy, fuck, I thought, if that's the case, then Greenpeace can fuck themselves:
I'm gonna start sending donations to the annual Japanese whale slaughtering
expediton! But before I could plan that, another idiot opened his mouth.
"Ben Stiller!!! I'm a surgeon at the Mount Sinai Hospital and just the other day
while performing open heart surgery, I paused andasked evryone in the operating
room: 'Hey, everyojne!?!? If vital human organs were movie stars, who would be
human heart!?!?'
"And they all cried out: BEN STILLER!!!!"
Holy,
fuck!!! I thought, What fuckin' funeral home did that butcher's patient end up
in!?!?
But before I could unleash a counter-attack, another
porridge-faced Humpty beaked in.
"That's amazing, because thanks to Ben
Stiller, I have a stronger heart! I'm a recovering caffeine addict, a former 5
cup a day guzzler and when it came to discovering a spirtual higher-power to
guide me to sobriety, I decided that Ben Stiller would be my HP."
THat
fucking did it!!!!!!!!!!!!
"REALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!," I shouted. (Really
loud!)
"That's TRULY FUCKING AMAZING because fifteen fucking minutes
ago over breakfast, me and my chemist brother had the Periodic Table of Elements
out while drinking about six gallons of coffee and writing cheques to the
Japanese Kill All The Whales Fund and I noticed something and said, 'Hey, is
that a new element on the periodic table: Unfunnyium?
"And my brother
said:
"'Yeah! And they immediately called it the fucking Ben Stiller
of elements!!!!!' And we fucking couldn't fucking stop fucking
laughing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
And you know what? All the talking
on the subway stopped and everybody turned away and it was silence as usual
again...
...until I said:
"And Toronto is the Ben fucking
Stiller of cities, you pathetic bunch of motherfucking moops!"
So,
yeah, that's why I thought I'd ask: Who do you think the Ben Stiller of Canadian
indie-rock singer songwriters is?



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